My Resolution? No More Resolutions



All my life I thought I was a resolution girl.  For the past two decades -- without fail-- my resolution come Jan 1 has been to lose weight, exercise more and to create more balance.  A big kick in the ass to get my shit together. Fortunately or unfortunately, the last 2 years have been stressful for many different reasons.  Among them a complex health issue for myself -- along with stress -- has lead to a me not needing to focus more on my weight this January 1.  

With the sky wide open for resolution picking ... I came up blank. I had nothing.  No clue what to resolve to do in 2018 without the stand by of "losing weight".  It comes as no surprise to realize that the 20 years I have resolved to reduce my calories and increase my exercise coincided with the first 20 years of raising my sons.  When your focus is parenting, mothering, wife-ing, partnering, working ... many parts of you take a side step. Resolutions become basic, survivalist and frankly, not very interesting. 

The more I thought about it the more I wondered if perhaps I wasn't a resolution girl. What I knew I was, was a tired mom and wife. A tired mom and wife who for twenty years yearned to find the youthful, thinner, healthier version of herself and resolved to find her ... every January first. The simple fact that I had the same resolution 20 years running is enough to say ... you aren't that good at this resolution stuff, kid.  But why? Was it my choice in resolutions, my plan of attack? Was I doomed to fail because I love peanut m&m's? Or a glass of wine on a winter (spring, summer, fall) night? Maybe my concept of "gain balance" "lose weight" "improve health" were too damn vague. Promising to resolve to change something at the strike of a clock instead of working on small, baby steps every day, was beginning to look less and less appealing. 

I began to research resolutions. What other people choose, why and how they succeeded.  The concept beseeches me. I like to think I am fairly successful, I am a pretty good mom, my marriage is strong, I love my job and I enjoy my writing, I have wonderful people in my life who support me (and I haven't been easy lately). Why in the hell am I so bad at resoluting? (I am also really good at making up my own words!)

Searching for a resolution had become cumbersome, awkward, like I was looking for a generic answer to a specific questions.  What's your favorite food? Italian I would answer instead of saying ... I love a tender slice of chicken soaked in handmade marsala sauce and a bed of fluffy orzo, and throw in some asparagus tips!  Or perhaps, where would you like to travel? Overseas?  Instead of ... I would love to set my feet on the French Riviera, Cannes especially, where my Grandmother took her leave during WWII that I wrote about in my book Love, Red.  



What started to feel good was the concept that I didn't have to come up with a resolution.  The more I researched I wondered: maybe I am not good at resolutions because the resolutions are not good enough. Maybe what I'm working on has been focusing on outcomes, not the journey.  After all, I never resolved to eat food that nourished my mind and body -- I resolved to lose weight. I didn't resolve to explore what made me feel out of balance and find solutions (if there were any)-- I resolved to find that balance regardless. Just fix it. I resolved to find balance, when there are times when my scale will only tip.  I never resolved to find an exercise that suited my body, my mind and my spirit -- I only resolved to slog myself to the gym, drag my ass on a treadmill that I hate and do it because I had to. 

So here's my resolution:  No more resolutions. Only Commitments. I am going to re-dream. Re-dream my answers to my own questions and commit to re-purposing old resolutions. I will covet my journey and stop looking for destinations, instead looking for ways I can give back to others that will fortify my commitments to a better life for myself and my family. I will set my mind to searching for commitments that support me, support my boys and my husband.  I will commit to taking care of myself, if that means taking a nap because my body demands it today or walking six miles instead of three because my body can do that today, that's what I will do.  

And I will accept your encouragement and reminders when you see me faultering with my new found commitments. <3


Take care,

Lara xo



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