Ask me Why ...

I was a good-enough student in high school--I had a 3.0 something. If I knew exactly what it was I would share -- but I really only know it was over a 3.0 because I was a card holding member of the 3.0 Club and was given a free small french fry at Wendy's for lunch! Frankly, I didn't even know that the 3.0 Club correlated to my grades until I asked what the 3.0 Club actually meant. I keenly remember my embarrassment that I didn't know that the 3.0 meant my grade point was over a 3.0--I was too humiliated to then ask what did "grade point" mean, and how I could find out what mine was. Because obviously, I should have known this already.

I had to take Trig over my senior year in high school because I got a "D" junior year. If I'm honest, I never did the homework. Like ever. The problem was--I never understood from the first day and I never asked for help. I could never catch up. I looked lazy, I looked like I had no motivation. Really? I was embarras…

Your Unhappiest Child

This photo is one of my favorites of E and I ever. We were sitting under a water fall in Jamaica, laughing. I mean absolutely belly laughing ... cold, mountain stream water running down our faces. My kids were right there, watching our joy. They saw it. They felt it. And the truth is, our life as parents in that season wasn't very easy. But this moment? This moment was pure, perfect happiness ...

There is no way to understand or prepare for the way your body changes when there's a new life growing inside of you ... the stretch of your skin, the ache in your bones, the fatigue in your eyes and the yuck in your belly.  You can't be ready--no matter how many people warn you--for the complete and profound dependence this little soul has on you. The weight is heavy and there's no way to feel it until it's there, all 7 pounds 10 ounces of warm, sweet, delicious baby. So loved, so wanted, so intense.

As soon as we think we have our nuggets figured out they change.  They …

An Open Letter to the Other Woman

I may have met you already, perhaps not.

You are the one who will whisk him away, create a life with him, a family a home. You are the one that will find his lost wallet, hear his frustrations at the end of the day and his excitement in the morning. You will be the keeper of his heart and the love that he builds his life around. You are what I want for him ... a partner, a best friend, a love, a co-parent. 
Since the day I found out my son would come to be I have cringed--both inwardly and outwardly--at the quote "A daughter is a daughter all her life but a son is a son 'till he takes a wife". It hurts, honestly, down to my bones. But here's the thing ... it's partly true. It's true that I won't be his soft place to fall--at least not all the time -- but it's also true that I want that for him. I want him to create his own life, his own family, his own purpose and why in this world. It's also true that I want to be a part of it. 
I want you to ex…

Six Words: Change your thinking. Change your life.

I'm sick.

Like coughing-so-hard-i-might-turn-inside-out sick.

I haven't slept in a week and when I have slept it's been interrupted (repeatedly) by hacking fits.

Last night I laid in bed sitting straight up for two hours waiting for the cough medicine I took to settle into my lungs and help a girl out. Two hours. Two hours I coughed and coughed. I finally fell asleep only to wake up at 4:37 am. I wasn't coughing -- yet -- but I was wide awake. I tried to will myself to sleep, I closed my eyes, refused to pick up my ipad where my book was tucked away waiting for me to open it back up. I had to pee, but didn't want to risk coughing so laid there with my bladder feeling as full as it did years ago with a nine pound baby laying on it. My side was numb, but moving would mean waking the giant in my lungs so again, I obediently stayed as still as I could, taking shallow breaths as not to disrupt the coughing monster lurking in my chest. The whole scene felt vaguely famil…

Be a Life Preserver

You guys.


You are amazing.

I posted last week about feeling stuck with my new project. That sometimes the words come so easily, they fly out quicker than I can type. Lately, it's been like dragging a sled up hill in the snow. In ski boots. It's sucked.

I hesitated to write a "feedback" post -- I didn't want to feel lonely when I asked "So what do you do when you feel stuck?" and have no one answer. Not that I think I am the only one who ever gets stuck ... in writing, life, exercise, relationships, parenting ... all of it. It's just that admitting you get stuck is one thing.  Asking for help. That's another.

You guys blessed me with your kindness, your suggestions and most of all the feeling of just not being alone in my stuckness. To top it all off? I got unstuck. I had my most productive day of writing to date and nearly doubled my over all word count this past week! Anddd ... I have all kinds of new ideas to try when I do get stuck a…


I was listening to a conversation of two women in a waiting room last week. I was sitting just a few chairs away, their words loud enough I could hear as if I was sitting in their circle. I gathered the two were new friends, they spoke of shared common friendships and had both had a child graduate this year. One mom was sharing her concern over her 27-year-old daughter who was struggling. I saw her face. She was embarrassed, her eyes mirrored the worry in her heart. She took a chance sharing in this waiting room, with this woman. I could see her hesitate ... should she tell her story? Her daughter wasn't working, she'd been consumed with anxiety and unable to hold a job. She hadn't graduated college and she was dating a man who also didn't have a job. Her daughter's stepping stones weren't made of college graduations, new apartments, bridal showers and weddings.  No, they were made of mental health appointments, panic attacks and medications. My heart hurt lis…

Not Mine To Keep

I suppose I thought it might be easier this time.

I suppose I thought, because I've done it once now, that sending my boy off to college wouldn't weigh so heavily on my heart.

I suppose I thought the wisdom of experience, the fortune of having traveled this path before to guide me would make it all a little easier.

Turns out, I was all wrong.

What I will miss is different this time around.  What I will worry about has changed, too.

And that knowing what to expect ... well it turns out to be a little bit of a pain in the ass because I know what's coming.  I know the homesickness, the struggle to fit, to make a new life right down to the sheets he sleeps on and the food he eats and how it hits them upside the head somewhere after ... well after the beginning. After the newness wears off and the reality of being on their own settles into their bones, that's when it gets tough.

When Cooper left I mourned my tribe of five. Our dinners at home and the schedule we had kept …