Confessions of a Daughterless Mother

You guys. Really. You are amazing. I posted last week about feeling stuck with my new project. That sometimes the words come so easily, they fly out quicker than I can type. Lately, it's been like dragging a sled up hill in the snow. In ski boots. It's sucked. I hesitated to write a "feedback" post -- I didn't want to feel lonely when I asked "So what do you do when you feel stuck?" and have no one answer. Not that I think I am the only one who ever gets stuck ... in writing, life, exercise, relationships, parenting ... all of it. It's just that admitting you get stuck is one thing.  Asking for help. That's another. You guys blessed me with your kindness, your suggestions and most of all the feeling of just not being alone in my stuckness. To top it all off? I got unstuck. I had my most productive day of writing to date and nearly doubled my over all word count this past week! Anddd ... I have all kinds of new ideas to try when I ...

I was listening to a conversation of two women in a waiting room last week. I was sitting just a few chairs away, their words loud enough I could hear as if I was sitting in their circle. I gathered the two were new friends, they spoke of shared common friendships and had both had a child graduate this year. One mom was sharing her concern over her 27-year-old daughter who was struggling. I saw her face. She was embarrassed, her eyes mirrored the worry in her heart. She took a chance sharing in this waiting room, with this woman. I could see her hesitate ... should she tell her story? Her daughter wasn't working, she'd been consumed with anxiety and unable to hold a job. She hadn't graduated college and she was dating a man who also didn't have a job. Her daughter's stepping stones weren't made of college graduations, new apartments, bridal showers and weddings.  No, they were made of mental health appointments, panic attacks and medications. My heart hurt l...

I suppose I thought it might be easier this time. I suppose I thought, because I've done it once now, that sending my boy off to college wouldn't weigh so heavily on my heart. I suppose I thought the wisdom of experience, the fortune of having traveled this path before to guide me would make it all a little easier. Turns out, I was all wrong. What I will miss is different this time around.  What I will worry about has changed, too. And that knowing what to expect ... well it turns out to be a little bit of a pain in the ass because I know what's coming.  I know the homesickness, the struggle to fit, to make a new life right down to the sheets he sleeps on and the food he eats and how it hits them upside the head somewhere after ... well after the beginning. After the newness wears off and the reality of being on their own settles into their bones, that's when it gets tough. When Cooper left I mourned my tribe of five. Our dinners at home and the schedule...

I have driven past this tree, walked and ran past this tree. I’ve ridden my bike and sat shot gun in the gator.  I’ve walked alone and I’ve walked with my boys past her. I’ve seen her out the window of a dozen different cars and I’ve noticed her a thousand different times. She didn’t always look this way.  When we first moved here--nearly nineteen years ago-- her branches were full of evergreen needles.  She was tall and unique, her branches reaching in scattered directions toward the world. She was not perfect, she was different.  She wasn’t always spent, covered in brown, dead needles with branches that have quit reaching for the sun.  She didn’t always have beautiful saplings growing up under her canopy, either.  Yesterday as Eric and I walked past the tree he said, “You could transplant some of those saplings now, they are strong and healthy enough.”  Now, I’m an emotional person by default. My heart is on my sleeve and there’s not m...

Years ago when I taught child birth education classes one of the last things I urged my young moms and dads to do was to be present in the process.  I told them I knew there were days that being pregnant frankly sucked - and that there were days the only positive or joyful thing about what was happening to their bodies, hormones, emotions, relationships was that in the end they would have a baby. A daughter. A son. A child of their own. I asked them to soak up all 40 weeks of being pregnant because in reality - this was the only time our babies are growing toward us. From the moment they are born the search for independence - at first looking to find the basic knowledge of moving their own fingers and toes at will, to learn to suckle and feed, to learn to sleep and soothe themselves - begins. Inevitably, my mommas would cry.  Sometimes the dads, too.  So excited they were to bring this baby into the world and here I was casting a light of bittersweet nostalgia on th...

The last few months have been a blur of last minute assignments, exams, baseball games, lacrosse playoffs, awards ceremonies, banquets, open houses, graduation! and life's expectations. A few weeks ago while we were in the throws of the last week of senior year my ADHDer found himself under a pile of work he had to get done and a short time frame. We laugh about his "life motto" ... "The quicker I fall behind the more time I have to catch up" but there are times it gets very real very quickly. I found myself micromanaging his time -- which admittedly he needs a bit of -- and stressing, worrying, fretting about him getting his work done.  It was about that time that I read this gem on a friend's facebook page  Sarah Brya Ignite Your Soul Fitness . She was telling a story of watching her daughter finish a long night's homework ... her advice to her daughter, "You can do hard things."  There it was, a profound lightening of my shoulder...

Photo Credit: Pexels I love books.  I love to read them (and re-read my favorites) and hold them in my hands. I have them squirreled away in several corners of my house - piles and stacks of my favorite collection of words.  I re-read passages that made me feel something -- and try and decode the author's magic. If I'm in-between books one of my favorite things to do is to search for books on Goodreads, Kindle or iBooks ... I read the blurbs and reviews. I read books for pleasure, for enjoyment, to escape, for information and knowledge. I read them to learn and to grow, to help me solve problems.  I read them for solace - perhaps most often for solace. I read every acknowledgement. I read the dedications and the author's bio.  I even love to read the book club discussion questions at the end of the book ... I'm not in a book club (weird, right?), but I love to mull around my answers and consider other views. I squeeze every last syllable out of every...